Humor

Camping Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?", Holmes ask, Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" -- George Carlin

Fishing and Boating Jokes

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

A hunter was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The hunter took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the hunter took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The hunter said, "Look, I'm a avid hunter and when I'm not hunting, I'm fishing, so I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"

Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day. Doreen was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read. Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read - MATT IS DEAD." The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered "brain food?"

You might be a fisherman if... You have a power worm dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener. Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your bass boat. You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter". Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file. You keep a flippin stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with. You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude". Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you. You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp. You have a photo of your 10 lb. bass on your desk at work instead of your family. You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal. You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing. You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot. You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting. Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house. You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your bass boat will fit in the garage. Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

Hunting Jokes

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."